Appreciating Your “Real Self”

Appreciating Your “Real Self”

            I have learned to appreciate myself.  For many years of my life, I tried to be so many things for all the wrong reasons.  I did not know what I truly wanted (or needed) to be.  I often misunderstood my worth.  Rather than value my strengths, I dwelled on my weaknesses.  I felt that I always had to improve, not from a continuous improvement perspective, but because I felt that was not good enough.  This was my “double-edged sword” – my feelings of needing to improve provided me the purpose and motivation to challenge myself and work harder, yet, it also led to my dissonance and the sacrifice syndrome (Boyatzis & McKee, 2005).  As a result, my relationships with God and my family and friends suffered.  Moreover, my relationship with self suffered.  I did not know myself well; I did not have mindfulness.  Without mindfulness, I could not recognize and accept my feelings, thoughts, and physical pain.

            I began appreciating myself when I recognized that failure was not final.  I used to believe that failure validated that I was not good enough.  This feeling began in my teenage years, a time when I had many insecurities.  It was further perpetuated during an Army career with the “zero-defect” mentality.  One will not find a “zero-defect” policy or regulation but it is an informal institution within the Army culture.  Within the Army culture, and especially in the leadership ranks, the general sentiment was that a career’s worth of ‘Atta boys’ can be washed away by a mistake.  (Consider the cases of Generals David Petraeus and Stanley McChrystal).   However, that has changed for me.  Major transitions in my ‘lifeline’ occurred when my children were born and when I retired from the Army.  I wanted to take risks to become better for my family and for self.  For instance, at the age of thirty-nine, I decided to pursue a college degree.  My mindset came to view failure (or challenges) as an opportunity to learn.  In other respects, failure showed that I was trying.  The two words I want to highlight in the previous sentences are opportunity and trying.  The two aforementioned words were significant as I developed my ‘personal vision’ and to pursue my dreams and aspirations.  Taking risks to make change in my life makes me feel happy and engaged. 

            My social identity and roles have changed significantly over the past few years.  I have changed from Army First Sergeant and part-time husband/father to full-time husband/father and MBA candidate.  I now enjoy in practicing martial arts and substitute teaching/school volunteering (whereas in the Army, I only focused on work).  Being a graduate student and “Jiu-Jitsu fighter” enables me to challenge myself mentally and physically.  Substitute teaching allows me to be a teacher and leader in my community without having the formal role.  My current social circle currently consists of people with whom I share the same faith, desires, values, etc.  They have become the support system for my personal change.  I recognize that my social identity and roles have changed as my priorities have changed.  Dovidio, Gartner, Pearson, & Riek, (2005) wrote that one’s social identity can “vary as a function of social context and social and personal values” (p. 232).  My present priorities and that which I value are faith, family and friends, and self.  A professional career/work is still important to me; however, it no longer dictates who I am.

            I recall an adage that I have heard before – “If you always do the right thing, you will never have regrets”.  I can appreciate my “real self” because I am guided by values and principles.  Moreover, I am now guided by a personal vision to become (hopefully) my ideal self.  I can appreciate my “real self” because I am aware of my weaknesses (also referred to as “gaps) and acknowledge and accept them (McKee, Boyatzis, & Johnston, 2008).  On the other hand, I can appreciate my “real self” because I also value my strengths.  One of my greatest strengths is that I will not quit.  I have grit and determination.  I am a person whom friends see as honest, forthright, and loyal.  I am a person that (I hope) my wife and kids see as a loving and caring husband and father.  Lastly, I see myself as a person who has challenges ahead but is purpose-driven and whose beliefs and values are the markers that will keep me on the right road. 

References

Boyatzis, R., & McKee, A. (2005). Resonant leadership. Boston, MA: Harvard Business School Publishing.

Dovidio, J., Gartner, S., Pearson, A., & Riek, B. (2005). Social identities and social context: Social attitudes and personal well-being. Advances in Group Porcessess, 231-260.

McKee, A., Boyatzis, R., & Johnston, F. (2008). Becoming a resonant leader. Boston, MA: Harvard Business Press.