I have always been driven by emotion;
however, I have not always had emotional intelligence (EI). Goleman asserted that self-awareness is
knowing what we are feeling and why we are feeling it (Goleman, 2012) .
He further adds that self-awareness leads to good decision-making and
having a moral compass. So then, when I
was younger (around ages 16 – 18), I completely lacked self-awareness. I often had the emotions of being angry,
hurt, selfish, and insecure. This
stemmed from my upbringing and environment.
I grew up in a low-income household in a tough city (El Paso, TX). I ran the streets with gang members – I connected
with those who were like me, those who didn’t have much and wanted more but didn’t
know how to get it. As a result, I had a
“me against the world” mentality. I felt
as if everything were conspiring to keep me an outcast in life. I had little self-control and acted
impulsively, and I often made bad decisions.
Fortunately, I decided to join the Army.
My new job took me away from the things that had negatively influenced
me and gave me purpose. Moreover, my
life had structure and I had a path to follow. My self-awareness had changed. My emotions changed to energetic, hopeful,
and optimistic. Yet, there was still a
bit of anger – anger at those who would continue to doubt and/or marginalize me
– but I used the emotion to motivate me to achieve. To this day, I am still driven by emotion but
I recognize which ones are constructive and which are destructive.
Yet,
self-awareness was not enough because I was still (as some people called me) a “hot-head”. Although I knew which emotions were destructive,
I acted on them out of impulse.
Therefore, I needed the EI for self-management. Self-management is described as “managing
one’s internal states, impulses, and resources” (Boyatzis, 2009) .
As time passed, I began to mature and became a young leader. I started to understand the need for self-management
and particularly the need for emotional self-control. Early in my career, I had learned hard
lessons about losing control, or to put it another way, giving in to my vices. As my self-control improved, I derived other
benefits – I adjusted to change easier, was achievement oriented, and had an
overall positive outlook. Being positive
gave me strength; I wasn’t fearful of obstacles or failure. Goleman (2012) said that self-management is
being able to “handle your distressing emotions in effective ways so they don’t
cripple you”. A favorite quote of mine
is from Admiral (retired) James Stockdale who once said, “The test of character
is not ‘hanging in there’ when you expect a light at the end of the tunnel, but
performance of duty and persistence of example when you know that no light is
coming” (Department of the Army, 1985, p. 19) . I was becoming that leader whom I aspired to
be, one who would lead by example.
To
become a good leader, I also needed social awareness and social skills. Social awareness, described as a competency of
social intelligence, refers to a relationship with others and awareness of their
feelings, needs, and concerns (Boyatzis, 2009) . A significant emotion that I had to develop as
a young leader was empathy. Although I
understood others struggles, I seldom empathized. I had pulled myself up from my own “bootstraps”,
so why couldn’t they? I felt that it was
enough when I gave them an example that good things happen when you have
purpose and grit. However, I realized
that as leader, I had the responsibility
for my followers’ well-being, both in their personal lives and in work. Moreover, I recognized that I had only become
who I was because I was fortunate to have leaders that cared for me. My leaders had coached and mentored me,
inspired me, and influenced my emotions and actions. They made me better. Thus, I want to do the same for others.
References
Boyatzis,
R. (2009). Competencies as a behavioral approach to emotional intelligence. Journal
of Managment Development, 749-770. doi:10.1108/02621710910987647
Department of the
Army. (1985). Leadership statement and quotes. Washington, DC:
Department of the Army. Retrieved from buildingamidshipman.wordpress.com:
https://buildingamidshipman.wordpress.com/
Goleman, D. (2012,
April 23). Retrieved from www.youtube.com:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y7m9eNoB3NU
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